my ipod is not very gay

I already know my Tivo is gay (hello season passes to Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, and According to Jim), but what about my ipod? Some Australian website I never heard of before this morning has a list of the 50 gayest songs of all time, according to their readers (via EW), and I decided to put my ipod to the test.

(If you feel like putting your ipod to the test too, let me know if your ipod is more gay than mine or less.)

(oh, and speaking of America's Next Top Model, before we get to the song list, did you notice that freaky moment on last night's episode, about four minutes in, when the doorbell rang and all of the girls started to scream like crazy lunatics BEFORE they even knew what was on the other side of the door??? it was like: doorbell = pavlovian response of batshit craziness. and then it was just a bunch of purses waiting for them on the other side of the door, and some free clothes. if i was one of those girls, i'd be like: we're all screaming for purses? i could understand that kind of screaming if it was, say, Michael J. Fox on the other side of the door, covered in whip cream. but purses?)

Back to the purported list of gayest songs of all time:

50. Elton John and George Michael “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”

This song is not on my ipod. I've never even heard this song before. I'm 0 for 1 right now. I just listened to it on youtube and the lyrics to the song don't seem particularly "gay" to me. Is it supposed to be the 50th gayest song of all time just because it's Elton John duetting with George Michael??? Because, come on, people, that's just lazy. I've only heard this song once, now, but I don't like it. It's boring, boring, boring. I'm not adding it to my pod.

49. Dead or Alive “You Spin Me (Like A Record)”

Okay, yes, absolutely, I've always thought this song was gay, gay, gay, and the video is even gayer. It's not on my ipod, though, so I'm 0 for 2 right now.

48. Pet Shop Boys “New York City Boy”

Apparently I'm a really bad gay because I didn't know this song either (it's not in my ipod, so I'm currently 0 for 3), but I think it should be higher on this list than slot #48. Watching the video totally reminded me of the feeling I had when I moved to London and started going out to nightclubs for the first time. My favorite club was Popstarz because they played Radiohead and there were lots of punks there, it felt very Sid and Nancy.

47. Diana Ross “Chain Reaction”

Not on my ipod. I'm 0 for 4. Who made this list??? Diana Ross totally has gayer songs.

46. Deborah Harry “I Want That Man”

I think the only reason this song is on this list is because it's called I Want That Man, which, again, feels lazy. This song is so not gay enough for this list. "Heart of Glass" is way gayer (and way better, too). It's not in my ipod, I'm 0 for 5.

45. Cher “Strong Enough”

Okay, this song, and the video, are hella gay. But it's not on my ipod, so I'm 0 for 6.

44. RuPaul “Supermodel (You Better Work)”

I thought this one would be on my ipod, but it isn't (0 for 7). The only Supermodel on my ipod is the Jill Sobule one. My ipod so SO BUTCH.

43. KD Lang “Constant Craving”

This is the first song on the list that's actually in my ipod. Maybe I'm a lesbian? 1 for 8!!!

42. Culture Club “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me”

Now we're talking, now I'm 2 for 9. When I was a kid, my neighbor Katie (she was the Angela Chase to my Brian Krakow) was so obsessed with Culture Club that she actually had Boy George Dolls. The hair was attached to the hat, so that when you removed the hat you removed the hair too. I always wondered if it was like that in real life, too.

41. Chaka Khan “I’m Every Woman”

This is the gayest song on the list so far, and yes, it's on my ipod. I'm 3 for 10.

40. Wham “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”

I've always thought this song was hecka annoying, and I'm sad to report that it's on my ipod (4 for 11). Randy Jackson was right when he called the song corny. Bad song choice for Luke Menard this week.

39. Paul Lekakis “Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back To My Room)

How do I have 5000 songs on my ipod and I've never even heard of so many of these songs? Suffice it to say, this song is not on my ipod (4 for 12), but it's an AWESOME AND UNBELIEVABLY CHEESY SONG, and I'm totally singing it the next time I karaoke. I've already memorized all of the lyrics.

38. Kym Mazelle “Young Hearts Run Free”

The only reason this song is on my ipod is because it was on the soundtrack for Baz Luhrman's Romeo + Juliet. That doesn't mean it's not perfectly appropriate for this list, I'm just saying that I had never heard of Kym Mazelle until I typed her name into my itunes search bar and saw it there. All of that being said, if I was going to choose a song from that soundtrack for this list, it would be Kissing You by Des'ree. (5 for 13)

37. George Michael “Outside”

Obviously gay, but not on my ipod. (5 for 14)

36. Donna Summer “I Feel Love”
35. Dannii Minogue “This Is It”
34. Belinda Carlisle “Summer Rain”
33. Peter Allen “I Go To Rio”
32. Sylvester “You Make Me Feel Mighty Real”
31. Heather Small “Proud"
30. CeCe Peniston “Finally”

I'm starting to get tired of this list because none of the above seven songs are on my ipod. Which means I'm 5 for 21. I don't know any of these songs. This list is totally getting me to question my sexuality. Maybe I'm straight?

29. Madonna “Express Yourself”

Not my first Madonna choice, but okay. Now I'm 6 for 22.

28. Cyndi Lauper “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”

Why are all the "gay" songs about girls? (Not that girls aren't gay.) If I had written this list, I would have acknowledged that Cyndi deserves to be on it, but I would have chosen Goonies 'R' Good Enough, an awesomely more gay song than Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. When they shot the sequence towards the end where the Goonies slide down into the part of the cave where the big pirate ship is, Richard Donner and Steven Spielberg wanted genuine reactions from the kids, so they didn't show the pirate/cave set to any of the actors...the first time they all saw the pirate ship was live on camera...but the kids were so awed by the huge pirate ship that they all started cursing in amazement, and so they couldn't use a lot of that footage (and keep their PG rating). Now I'm 7 for 23.

27. Charlene “I’ve Never Been To Me”

Don't know it. 7 for 24.

26. Tim Curry “Sweet Transvestite”

I fully support this song being on the list. Though my favorite song from Rocky Horror is Science Fiction Double Feature. Now I'm 8 for 25.

25. Barry Manilow “Copacabana”

I don't get it, but I've got it. 9 for 26.

24. Barbara Streisand and Donna Summer “No More Tears”

Don't know it. 9 for 27.

23. Whitney Houston “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)”

I love '80s Whitney Houston. I'm gay again. (10 for 28)

22. Sister Sledge “We Are Family”
21. Queen “I Want To Break Free”
20. Dolly Parton “9 to 5”
19. Coming Out Crew “Free, Gay and Happy”
18. Village People “In the Navy”
17. Frankie Goes To Hollywood “Relax”
16. Village People “Macho Man”
15. Judy Garland “Over The Rainbow”
14. Bronski Beat “Smalltown Boy”
13. Diana Ross “I’m Coming Out”
12. Cher “Believe”
11. Gloria Gaynor “I Am What I Am”

My ipod just got way more gay. It has #22, #20, #18, #17, #16, #15, and #12. The only thing I have to say about any of these songs is that "Believe" was really big in Europe the semester I was abroad in London, and I had no idea it was Cher, and then I came back to America, and I was like, "there's this great new song by this great new artist," and people were like, "um, you mean Cher?" Which was almost like the time in high school when I heard The Smiths for the first time and I was really amazed by how much the leader singer sounded like Morrissey. (17 for 40)

10. Alicia Bridges “I Love The Nightlife”
9. Madonna “Vogue”
8. Olivia Netwon-John “Xanadu”
7. Kylie Minogue “Better The Devil You Know”
6. Pet Shop Boys “Go West”
5. Kylie Minogue “Your Disco Needs You”
4. The Weathergirls “It’s Raining Men”
3. Gloria Gaynor “I Will Survive”
2. Village People “YMCA”
1. ABBA “Dancing Queen”

Okay, of the top 10 gayest songs of all time, I only have #9 and then #4 through #1 on my ipod, and the only song I really have a problem with is "YMCA" because I'd like to argue that "YMCA" has been so appropriated by things like baseball games that it isn't really gay anymore, or at the very least it's definitely NOT so gay as to be worthy of a #2 ranking. What do you think, am I totally off-base? Or is "YMCA" not very gay anymore?

Anyway, my ipod ended up being 22 for 50, which means my ipod is only 44% gay. That's so much less gay than I thought it was gonna be! Now, if only the list had some Scissor Sisters on it, and I think the list should have had some songs from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical too. But that's just me.